Which side of me will win?

Eye Balls

Right then. So. This morning I awoke at about 10 am. Then I’m pretty sure I got up to go for a piss. I don’t remember specifically, but that’s what I normally do. On my way into the bathroom I pass the mirror over the sink and I’m never in too much of a hurry not to take a quick glance at myself. It never ceases to amaze me just how awesome my hair looks immediately after I wake up. A lot of people talk about ‘bed head’ like it’s a bad thing. My bed head gives my hair untold volume and ferocity. It’s Action Hair. I wish it would stay that way all day.

Anyway, after relieving myself I went back to bed and snoozed for another hour or so. Then I got up and immediately started getting dressed. In proper outdoors clothes and everything. This is highly unusual for a Sunday morning, but I had plans to make vegetable chilli, so I wanted to go to Sainsbury’s, get ingredients and get straight onto making it in time for lunch.

Before I went, I took a quick snap of the Religion box in my census form, in which someone had written ‘HEAVY METAL’ in a child’s writing. It wasn’t a child though, it was me. I slipped the form into its envelope, licked the seal and stuck it down. I then rushed to the fridge to take a couple of swigs of lemonade to wash away the taste of the glue, which was like plastic sick. The taste of the lemonade was like something other than lemons, but it did the trick.

I posted the form without further incident, then at Sainsbury’s I saw one of the massively fat security guards – the very most fattest one, in fact – bend down to pick up a yoghurt that a clumsy lady customer had dropped. His hand was still a good six inches from the yoghurt when it dawned on him that he might not actually be able to reach his hand to the floor without lying down first. But fair play to him, he didn’t back out. Millimetre by millimetre his trembling hand edged closer to the yoghurt as the clumsy lady customer and I just stood by and watched. She could have picked the yoghurt herself in a fraction of the time, but she was presumably as fascinated as I was – is he going to make it?

He did make it, and placed the yoghurt in the clumsy lady customer’s hand with a smile that I think was supposed to say, “No problem” but it very obviously had been one.

I finished my shopping, paid for it, then came home and put on a Strapping Young Lad DVD, which I listened to and half watched while I put the shopping away, did some washing up and prepared my vegetable chilli. A Strapping Young Lad DVD, for anyone not aware, is a DVD featuring the band Strapping Young Lad, not a DVD featuring strapping young lads. I think if I had one of those, I wouldn’t half watch it.

After eating my chilli, which was delicious, I dipped into a succession of videogames, none of which gripped my attention for long, but between them they somehow filled pretty much my whole afternoon.

In the early evening I had a rest, for want of anything better to do really. It usually relaxes me having a rest, but I wonder whether I rest too much, or maybe not enough. Either way, I started to think that all this resting was perhaps symptomatic of a deep-seated boredom. Hence the seeds of this very blog were soon. Such an appropriate metaphor…

That rest gave me an appetite so I heated up some more chilli. I will eat nothing at home except chilli for at least a week now. It’s a key part of my money-saving strategy. I’m saving money to pay for a car and my summer holidays, so I might be eating nothing but chilli for months yet. Fortunately, I make damn fine chilli.

I decided to watch another DVD while I prepared and ate my chilli. I’d noticed Frankenfish next to the Strapping Young Lad DVD earlier on and had been reminded of a blog my friend Mark wrote about monster movies, so I decided to watch that. The title of the previous and first entry on this blog is a line from Frankenfish. Bet that’s been really bugging you…

I didn’t see Frankenfish through to the end though as I started getting bored and restless again and decided to start this blog in order to address this pervading restless boredom. After writing the first entry I went to go have a shower, but decided to trim my beard first. I tend to trim my beard naked before getting in the shower because, despite having one of those fancy sets of clippers that’s supposed to suck up all the hair as it clips it, I still usually end up covered in a lot of my own beard, so it just makes sense to jump in the shower straight afterwards.

However, on this occasion the battery in the clippers ran out rather abruptly before I finished, so while it recharged I started writing this blog entry. This very one you’ve just been reading. I didn’t get dressed first. Yes, that’s right. I’ve written this entire post not just naked, but naked with a moustache (and a bit of beard down the left-hand side). And you just read it. Eurgh! How gross is that? You might as well have just had my scrotum in your eye. And it’s not even clean yet.


Filed under: My boring funny day, , , , , , ,

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