Which side of me will win?

Metalcamp 2011: Fuck off English

When we eventually find the Irish camp that is actually The Irish Camp, Nina is still there, as are a few other people I know. There’s talk of heading down to the beach bar, which suits me as, even though The Irish Camp is warmer, more spacious and better equipped than the flat I’m sitting in writing this right now, it does have a massive piles of empty beer cans in it. I keep stumbling near the massive pile of beers cans and am terrified of falling in. I’m pretty sure it’s bottomless and that anyone who falls in will just sink through layer upon layer of cans forever.

So off we trot to the beach bar – a group of about ten of us, I think – and somehow we all end up watching the strip show again. It’s really not my idea, I swear. It’s pretty much the same story as the night before. Different girls, different dicks, same anticlimactic conclusion. The dicks are bigger tonight… much bigger actually. But they’re not hard. Seriously, what’s a guy gotta do to see a nice, hard dick around here?

It’s actually a bit dead at the beach bar, and this particular night is pretty uneventful as far as I remember. It was probably still about 4 am by the time we headed back to camp though.

And it was 7am when half the campsite was woken up by… by fuck knows what it was. Some drunk Germans with a truly monstrous sound system decided that this would be a good time to start playing some incredibly shit music at astonishingly loud volume. There was one song that didn’t have any lyrics; instead the vocalist just made fart noises all the way through. They also played the German version of the theme from the Gummi Bears cartoon. I quite like that track, but not so loud that it makes the ground beneath my tent shake, and not at 7 o’ clock in the morning you total fucking scheiss-kopfs!

Eventually they shut the fuck up and I get an hour or two more sleep before it gets too hot. Ash later tells me that this is the one and only occasion all week that he actually uses his earplugs. It’s very nearly the one and only occasion all week that I stove a bunch of stupid, pisshead kraut faces in with my camping mallet. But I don’t. Because. I’m tired.

Today blatantly has the weakest line-up of bands, so we spend most of it chilling out at the beach bar again. We get there pretty early and choose a spot at the far end in the shade. As the day goes on, more and more people show up and set themselves up near us, and I can’t help noticing that loads of them are English, including the guy we met the night before, Tim. I eventually figure out why they’re all in the same place as us. It’s obvious really – shade. Only English people make a point of staying out of the sun on a beach.

And this is the day I notice that one of the best things about Metalcamp is that it’s not in England. It is, in fact, far from England and attracts a bare minimum of English people. I’d estimate there’s only about 100-200 of us out of around 10,000 Metalcampers.

Now… I’m not being racist… but…

I do wish all these English people would just fuck off.

In this particular instance the reason is simple. Everyone, regardless of nationality, spends all day at festivals spouting inane bollocks about nothing in particular. The great thing about being at a festival where people tend to speak languages other than in English is that I don’t have to hear just how inane the bollocks most of them are spouting is. I don’t understand it, so it just becomes background noise. But I can hear exactly what English people are saying and it’s distracting and boring and I can’t concentrate on my book.

I mention this to Ash on the way back to camp and he says he was having exactly the same issue and is just as racist as me. He will later mutter, “Fuck off English” under his breath when he hears some other English people nearby and this becomes a bit of a catchphrase for the week, with at least one of us saying it each and every time even one of the pompous, pasty-faced, wonky-toothed, tea-drinking, sexually repressed, sunburnt fucking twats comes anywhere near us.


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