Which side of me will win?

Metalcamp 2011: The tone-deaf love-child of Axl Rose and Lemmy

We are hungover. There’s only one thing for it. To the beach!

We spend fucking ages at the beach today because we’re tired and hungover and the weather is gorgeous. We spend so long there that I lose track of time and forget that I meant to go and see The Ocean on the main stage. Sorry, The Ocean.

I have a question: Who, in their right mind, would take an acoustic guitar to a beach where they know full well loud, awesome electric guitar music will be being played 24/7?

I obviously love guitarists and everything, but there’s something that really bugs me about the ones that just can’t leave the fucking guitar alone, especially when other, better music is already being played. You know the type. And there’s one on the beach and he keeps strumming aimless bollocks in defiance of the metal. How dare he defy the metal!

It gets funny though when acoustic guitar boy and his friend decide to perform for a group of people sitting at a table. A group of people I don’t think they even know. It gets funny because the guy’s friend is the worst singer I’ve ever heard in my life, yet seems under the illusion that he’s truly gifted. It’s like watching and hearing an X-Factor audition unfold before my very eyes.

I’m not sure what he’s singing – some kind of bluesy rock ballad by the sounds of it – but he’s giving it 110% all the way through. He’s also missing 110% of the notes. I don’t know how to describe the style, but y’know the ‘club style’ singing Vic Reeves does on Shooting Stars? Well, it’s like that only the tone-deaf love-child of Axl Rose and Lemmy is doing it.

His face is hilarious too. It’s all scrunched up in an ultra-sincere grimace and when he goes for, and hideously falls short of, the high notes he screws up his eyes and clenches his fists as if wringing every last drop of emotion from the melody he is publicly and unwittingly massacring.

But his face isn’t even the funniest. It’s the faces of the audience he appears to have imposed himself on that crack me up. They’re all just carrying on their conversations, doing their best to disguise the pain they must surely be going through. Occasionally one of them glances at The Worst Singer Ever with a look that subtly combines mild annoyance with deep pity. By this point, I’m openly laughing and staring, but The Worst Singer Ever is too lost on the music to notice.

Eventually, after what seems like an eternity, they grimace their way to the end of the song and look to their audience for a response. A couple of them offer half-hearted applause (while the rest desperately avoid eye contact), which The Worst Singer Ever absolutely laps up, nodding and smiling in a affectedly modest, oblivious-to-how-shit-he-was sort of a way.

I’d have enjoyed it had it not involved a twat who doesn’t know when his guitar isn’t welcome.


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