Which side of me will win?

Metalcamp 2011: The Poo Game

SPOILER ALERT: The following article is about how I played The Poo Game with my friends at the Metalcamp Beach Bar after Slayer, Watain and Milking The Goat Machine. The Poo Game is very funny (the pic above is of Will and Peter literally collapsing with laughter from playing it), but it can only really be played properly once in a lifetime. If you wish to play The Poo Game in its purest form, read the section marked ‘Poo Game Instructions’ below then wait to play it until you are in the company of drunk friends before playing it. Do not continue beyond that section if you wish to discover The Poo Game’s delights for yourself.

The Poo Game Instructions:

1) Think of a song or album title, ideally one with at least three words in it (although two is sometimes enough). It works best with metal and hard rock – Aerosmith is about as lightweight as you can go.

2) Swap out one of the words and put the word ‘Poo’ in its place.

3) Say the resulting song title out loud to your friends.

4) Laugh.

5) Repeat steps 1-4 until you can’t think of any more or until you choke to death on your own giggles, whichever happens soonest.


I didn’t invent The Poo Game, it was Ash, but I did popularise it. When Ash first spontaneously started it, we had a brief exchange of song titles then stopped. The moment was not yet right.

But when I introduced the idea to Will and Peter at the Beach Bar later that night it really took off. I think Ash had already gone back to camp by the time we started, so he never saw first-hand the joy it brought to us all.

Hours later as the sun came up over the mountains, we were still playing it, deliriously obsessed with the word ‘Poo’. It was awesome.

At one point, Peter laughed so hard that he literally ROFLed…

Look! There he goes. He actually laughed himself out of his shoe, then almost ended up in the river!

There isn’t much left to say about The Poo Game other than to list the best results that I can remember. This might not be anything like as funny when read off a screen by a sober person, but tough titty, you were warned. It’s going to be a long list, so strap in (I’ve bolded up the really good ones in case you’re in a hurry)…

Piece Of Poo – Iron Maiden
Pooerslave – Iron Maiden
No Poo For The Dying – Iron Maiden
Running Poo – Iron Maiden
Murders In The Poo Morgue – Iron Maiden
Where Eagles Poo – Iron Maiden
Poo With Your Boots On – Iron Maiden
The Pooper – Iron Maiden
2 Minutes To Poo – Iron Maiden
Back In The Poo – Iron Maiden
Caught Somewhere In Poo – Iron Maiden
Poo Can Wait – Iron Maiden
Deja-Poo – Iron Maiden
Infinite Poo – Iron Maiden
Can I Play With Poo – Iron Maiden
The Evil That Men Poo – Iron Maiden

Jump In The Poo – Metallica
Trapped Under Poo – Metallica
The Thing That Should Not Poo – Metallica
To Live Is To Poo – Metallica
Sad But Poo – Metallica
Wherever I May Poo – Metallica
Don’t Tread On Poo – Metallica
Poor Twisted Poo – Metallica
The Poo Remains – Metallica
The Unforgiven Poo – Metallica

For Those About To Poo, We Salute You – AC/DC
Whole Lotta Poo Poo – AC/DC [must be sung in style of Bonn Scott]
Dirty Poos Done Dirt Cheap – AC/DC

Screaming For Poo – Judas Priest
Pooing After Midnight – Judas Priest
You’ve Got Another Poo Comin’ – Judas Priest

Poo Bloody Poo – Black Sabbath
Pooing Yourself To Live – Black Sabbath

Into Poo Ride – Manowar
Louder Than Poo – Manowar
Poo On Stage – Manowar
Poo Taker – Manowar
Each Dawn I Poo – Manowar
Thunderpoo – Manowar
Black Wind, Fire and Poo – Manowar
Sting Of The Poo – Manowar
Pleasure Poo – Manowar
The Gods Made Heavy Poo – Manowar
Today Is A Good Day To Poo – Manowar
Fight Until We Poo – Manowar

Raining Poo – Slayer
Stain Of Poo – Slayer
Love To Poo – Slayer
Pooing From The Sky – Slayer
Here Comes The Poo – Slayer

Poo Is My Business…and Business Is Good! – Megadeth
Poos Sell… but Who’s Buying? – Megadeth
Poo In Peace – Megadeth
Countdown To Poo – Megadeth
The World Needs A Poo – Megadeth
Poo In Your Mouth – Megadeth
Pooing Bullets – Megadeth

Fistful Of Poo – Anthrax
Spreading The Poo – Anthrax
Sound Of Poo Noise – Anthrax

Poo Self – Sepultura
Desperate Poo – Sepultura
Infected Poo – Sepultura

A Poo On Fire – Machine Head
The Blood, The Sweat, The Poo – Machine Head
Poo In A Bottle – Machine Head (Poolice cover)
Now I Lay Poo Down – Machine Head

Poo In The attic – Aerosmith
Eat The Poo – Aerosmith
Poo In An Elevator – Aerosmith
Pooed (Looks Like A Lady) – Aerosmith
Poo Keeps Coming Apart – Aerosmith
Poo On My Back – Aerosmith

Another Perfect Poo – Motorhead
Poo On Your Grave – Motorhead

Vulgar Display Of Poo – Pantera

Smoke On The Poo – Deep Purple

I Wanna Poo – Twisted Sister

And my personal favourite of the entire escapade…

Poo = Shit – Slipknot

Also, a special section is needed dedicated to Anal Cunt. It was these selections that caused Peter to collapse and roll down the beach, crying with laughter…

I Like It When You Poo – Anal Cunt
Picnic Of Poo – Anal Cunt
You Keep A Poo – Anal Cunt
Poo Is Gay – Anal Cunt
Your Poo Is Deformed – Anal Cunt
Saving Our Poo For Marriage – Anal Cunt
I’d Love To Have Your Daughter’s Hand In Poo – Anal Cunt
I Sent Poo Footage To America’s Funniest Home Videos – Anal Cunt
I Lit Your Poo On Fire – Anal Cunt
I Intentionally Ran Over Your Poo – Anal Cunt
I Snuck A Poo Into A Sperm Bank – Anal Cunt
I Ate Your Poo – Anal Cunt
You Robbed A Poo Bank Because You’re A Poo Guzzling Fag – Anal Cunt
I Fucked Your Poo – Anal Cunt
I Sold Your Poo To A Chinese Restaurant – Anal Cunt
Men Only Talk To You Because They Want To Get Poo, You Stupid Fucking Cunts – Anal Cunt
I Got An Office Job For The Sole Purpose Of Sexually Pooing Women – Anal Cunt

Thank you. Normal service will resume whenever I can be bothered.

Filed under: Metalcamp, , , , , , , , , ,

2 Responses

  1. lold so hard… my sides are killing me

  2. S. Van Lure says:

    warriors of the poo/ poo of the world is missing;)

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