Which side of me will win?

Metalcamp 2011: The calm before the storm

After several hours of side-splitting hilarity, The Poo Game finally winds down to a close and, as a reward for staying up all night laughing at the word ‘poo’, dawn brings us the still, serene vista pictured above. I bid my metal chums farewell and giggle my way back to camp to snatch a few hours sleep before it gets too hot, but actually it doesn’t get that hot because today is something I’ve never seen at Metalcamp before – a cloudy day.

I don’t sleep for long anyway, and when I get up I am greeted by a sight that’s nearly as funny as The Poo Game. You remember Nick, right? You know, Captain Canada. Yeah, him. Well, I see him running.

Now, we’re camped on a slope at the edge of the camp site so we get a good vantage point from which we can see much of the campsite, and I spot Nick running along the main track towards the main festival area from some distance away. What’s funny is that he’s now wearing not just one, but two capes – his original Captain Canada cape and a Lasko beer flag he’s probably stolen from somewhere – and that he runs exactly like 13:52 in this video…

Seriously, it’s as if The Joker is threatening to release a school of exploding sharks into the waters of the Soča and Captain Canada is rushing to the Beach Bar to stop him.

Later that day I asked Nick why he had been in such a hurry, but I don’t recall getting a coherent answer out of him. He did, however, comply with my request to recreate the moment in the Metal Market near the second stage…

But it wasn’t really the same.

Anyway, enjoying the cooler temperatures under the shade of cloudy skies, Ash and I head to the supermarket for provisions. It’s an uneventful shopping trip until, as we’re heading back into the campsite, the wind begins to pick up and the skies darken further. Then it gets a bit weird.

From the far end of Metalcamp Valley we hear screams and shouts. Distant and quiet at first, but getting gradually louder and louder. Then suddenly Ash exclaims, “Oh fuck!” He’s spotted what all the screaming is about – it’s a rainstorm, and it’s heading right for us!

It’s exactly like this…

…only wet. Really wet.

Oh, and the other difference is Ash and I don’t have to kiss to make it stop.

We just kiss because we want to.

And that’s really wet too.

Seriously though, the rain in Slovenia does not piss about. It rains suddenly, horizontally and really, really hard. Being caught in it is akin to being beaten up by a flying lake, so we immediately take cover behind cars and scramble to put on our waterproofs. I have a ‘Cag in a Bag’. Ash has…

…a sheet of blue cellophane?

Still, he’s clearly never been so glad to have a sheet of blue cellophane in his pocket as he is right now.

That photo is deceptive actually. The storm was at full force at the time of taking it and Ash is being absolutely battered by high-velocity air and water. But in Slovenia, what with it being a magical place an’ all, you can get bright sunshine during a massive, fuck off rainstorm somehow.

Anyway, the storm is heavy, but mercifully short and soon the happy Metalcampers are back to doing fun things like laughing, drinking, singing and…

…crucifying each other.

Yes, some Germans camped just down the hill from us found themselves at a bit of a loose end at about lunchtime and decided the best way to alleviate their boredom would be to build themselves a wooden cross and crucify their young lady friend upon it.

Oh, and these being evil, Satanic, heavy metal Germans, it has to be an inverted crucifixion…

They have a bit of trouble getting her upright. If you ask me, she isn’t secured properly to the cross. Should have used nails…


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