boringvsfunny

Which side of me will win?

Metalcamp 2011: Blind Guardian are fucking awful

Ash, my Metalcamp companion (that’s him up there), is my friend. I like him, he likes me. We get along.

For this reason it’s with a heavy heart and melancholy spirit that I must signal a permanent end to our friendship. Once he reads this post, that’s it… all over. He’ll never speak to me again. But it’s no good, I have to say what I feel.

There’s a long gap of several hours between the end of Powerwolf and the beginning of today’s headline set from Blind Guardian, and during that long wait, Ash gets in a bit of a mood. He’s sullen, distant and crotchety, and I know exactly what he’s going through. Blind Guardian is the band he’s here for and now the time is close, it feel like it’s taking forever. I was in a similar state on the day Manowar played here last year.

A set from German weirdos (but not as weird as Die Apokalyptickishcen Reiter) In Extremo does nothing to cheer him, or me for that matter. The pyro is fucking awesome, but the bagpipes get really annoying after a while. A while being about two songs in this instance. Once they’re done though, it’s nearly time for Blind Guardian and, slowly but surely, Ash’s mood starts to brighten.

Ash loves Blind Guardian. Not as much as he loves Iced Earth, but nearly. I, on the other hand, already know that I don’t like them. I got sent one of their CDs for free once and, aside from the cool cover art, thought it was bland, forgettable crap. But I go with Ash to see them because I don’t want to be a spoilsport. And you never know, maybe they’re good live…

Fuck no, they’re not. I didn’t like them before, but I fucking hate them after that excruciating hour and a half. You might have heard that they’re like a Lord Of The Rings metal band. Bollocks! They’re more like Harry Potter – safe and boring and mainstream and nauseatingly clean. Their songs all sound like they were written in a library, and actually some of them probably were.

Not one of the musicians moves from the spot throughout the entire set, literally – that’s how boring they are. The singer wanders about a bit, but he looks more like a librarian than any of them and is an unbearably smug little cunt. He keeps introducing songs saying stuff like, “A classic, some might say.” What a tit.

Blind Guardian represent nothing of what metal means to me. There’s no edge, no rebellion, no darkness, no heaviness, no fucking balls. Just a load of wussy major chords, hollow bombast and clinical, soulless noodling. I’d call it metal for girls and nerds if that weren’t offensive to girls and nerds. It certainly wasn’t metal fit for men and beasts!

I read something recently that reminded me of Blind Guardian, as it happens. It was a line from the second of Dom Lawson’s brilliant ‘Reasons To Love Manowar’ blogs…

“Listen to the average so-called power metal band and you might as well be listening to some god-awful Disney movie soundtrack with added kick drums.”

I don’t know whether he had Blind Guardian in mind when he wrote that, and I don’t care. It’s still exactly what I thought of them. I’ll give them one thing though… they are fucking loud. Not Manowar loud, of course. But about as close as I’ve heard any other band get.

Afterwards Ash asks me what I thought and I quietly suggest we don’t talk about it because I see no sense pissing over his special night. Already though I’m plotting, and looking forward to writing, this very blog. Honestly, offensively shit – one of the worst bands I’ve ever seen… and I’ve seen Limp Bizkit!

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One Response

  1. Ben says:

    They sound cuntishly abysmal.

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