Which side of me will win?

Dad – Part 5: Before you die

That phrase really annoys me. So much so that I might have a rant about it. I used to think ranting was great, but it’s boring. It sometimes seems like it’s all anyone ever does. Not that the kind of petty whining you hear from most people can really be called ranting, but still, there isn’t as big of a difference between whining and ranting as I once thought.

So here’s my Top 1 Thing To Have A Self-Indulgent Moan About Before You Die. My complaint is simple, really. When the fuck else are you going to do anything? Is it really necessary to distinguish this article from all those articles about places to go, things to do, books to read, movies to watch and albums to hear after you die?

Like… yeah, the Taj Mahal is so awesome, you really need to see it before you die. Don’t wait ’til after you die, it won’t be as good then.

There’s a web site called that claims to be the ‘ultimate life experience’ website. Makes me want to kill everyone involved as soon as possible just to make a point.

They should at least change it to because most people, when they know they’re going to die – and I mean really know – don’t want to do shit. Other than die.

It’s all very well for us to ‘know’ that we’re going to die, based on the simple fact that everyone does, but we don’t really know it. Our own mortality simply isn’t something we’re willing or able to comprehend until we absolutely have to. Until you really feel that knowledge, it isn’t really in your possession.

I asked my Dad, when he was dying and knew it, if he wanted to be taken for a lap dance. He didn’t appear to see the joke at all, and steadfastly declined. I say it was a joke – I think I was hoping he’d be up for it for my sake, if nothing else. It would have been so much better than sitting in a horrible hospital room not knowing what to do or say.

He didn’t want a lap dance, he just wanted to die.

My mum told me that when he was given the bad news he seemed strangely pleased. I get the impression that this was partly because it was an ‘I told you so’ moment for a man who lived for ‘I told you so’ moments but didn’t actually get many, hence his lack of any fondness for living.

It was relief too, no doubt. A weight off his shoulders. He would never have to deal with the slog and the responsibility of life ever again. He’d sit it out out for however long it would take then he’d check-out. He was happy because he thought it was going to be easy. That is so fucked up.


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