Which side of me will win?

10 jokes that actually were real


Having written a rather well-received piece about thousands of people thinking that a Photoshopped Tweet posted as a joke was actually real, I thought I ought to balance things out by showing how some well-known jokes are actually based on fact. I shall be detailing the jokes, the photographic proof and, mostly importantly, the facts.

WARNING: This actually gets quite a lot more graphic than you might think. It’s worksafe, but it’s graphic. That’s all.
Read the rest of this entry »


Filed under: Top 10, , , , ,

Paris Hilton on Mandela – more of a joke than a fake

Two nights ago, I logged onto Facebook to discover a number of Facebook updates reporting the death of Nelson Mandela. I posted a few of my own.

Then, just one hour later, one of my friends posted this jpg of a Tweet supposedly made by Paris Hilton…


…in which she says, “RIP Nelson Mandela. Your “I Have A Dream” speech was so inspiring. An amazing man.” Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: Opinion, , , ,

A spider’s butt that looks like Wicket the Ewok

It’s all in the title really.


Filed under: Faces, , , ,

Slovenian names – what I think of when I hear them


Some would have it that it’s a low-down, cheap, possibly even racist brand of humour that laughs at foreigners for being different. It is. But this blog doesn’t count, okay?

I’m not so much laughing at how funny some Slovene names sound to me as I am helping them to laugh at themselves. And that’s not racist, that’s positively saintly (besides, I have to get all this out of my system – I’m laughing at them on the inside pretty much all the time).

Now, in alphabetical order, here they are… Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: Slovenia, , , , , ,

earthtone9 new album – IV


March Of The Yeti opens this, earthtone9’s first album for almost 13 years, with a simple machine gun blast of drums then… a riff. Not just a riff, but a… RIFF! It will be the first of many to come over the next 52 minutes and all of them, yes ALL OF THEM, will be in upper case.

It’s a perfect opener, boldy signaling the band’s intent not only to rock your fucking ball hair off with a barrage of low-slung, arse-shatteringly heavy compositions but also, like never before in earthone9’s history, to work their way into your subconscious with some of the catchiest hooks since Abu Hamza got thrown off the Manhattan Metropolitan Correction Centre volleyball team. Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: Reviews, , , ,

Sophie Lancaster: Hate is not a crime


I’m not enjoying admitting this, but today is the day I will always remember as the day I found myself agreeing with Richard Littlejohn.

I didn’t mean for it to happen. I was just doing some research for this piece and I saw a link to a Littlejohn column about the subject I was researching that was described as “truly disgusting”. As I read Littlejohn’s words, I can’t say I was disgusted at all. In fact, all I could think was, “Yeah, this is pretty much what I think.”

Maybe I’m not well. Or maybe Littlejohn is actually making a good point for a change.

See, when the news emerged a few days ago that Greater Manchester Police was to begin registering crimes perpetrated against goths, emos, punks and metalheads as ‘hate crimes’, I didn’t feel that this was a victory to be celebrated. I actually felt a little bit embarrassed. Not to mention confused. Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: Opinion, , , ,

Top 5 stand-up comedians, by a stand-up comedian

I’m occasionally – very occasionally at the moment – a stand-up comedian and one of the things people most often ask me when they find out that I am one is who are my favourites and who are my influences. I love talking about comedy, but I think I’m getting bored of this question, so I’ve decided to just do a blog in answer to it so that from now on I can just give people a link and tell them to fuck off. Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: Top 10, , , , , , , , , ,

Czeching for lumps

If you think that title’s bad – and if you do, then you’re right – then you should see all the titles I rejected. You really should. I mean it. And I’m going to write them here so you can:

Czech mate (too prostitutey)
Czeching in (already used it in a Facebook update)
Czeching the oil (Manowar don’t wear oil any more)
Mic Czech (just shit)
Bouncing Czechs (only just thought of that – not bad actually)
Czech your balance (if only I’d fallen over at any point)
Czech disk (…)
Czech Norris (probably a close second place, that one)
Spell Czech (lazy)
Czech train times (it works…)
Czech yourself before you wreck yourself (lame)

I went for ‘Czeching for lumps’ because it brings to mind breasts, testicles and cancer – two out of five of which are among my favourite things, which is a pretty good ratio. Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: Manowar, , , , , , , ,

Ubi Žabara! Svi’ja Policija!

This weekend I went to a proper professional football match for the first time ever. I’d been invited to ‘The Eternal Derby’ by Vasja, a hardcore NK Maribor supporter whose piercing, homicidal stare belies a warm, friendly disposition. The Eternal Derby is the biggest grudge match in Slovenian club football NK Maribor versus NK Olimpija Maribor – the PrvaLiga (don’t ask me to say it… actually, it’s probably like, “ProwerLeega”) league’s two best teams representing the country’s two biggest cities. Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: Fighting, News analysis, Slovenia, , , , , ,

Metalcamp 2012: Screaming myself horse

After a long, luxurious, relaxing afternoon at the river, we return to camp to find our enclosure filling out with new arrivals; some of them friends, some of them friends of friends, some of them friends of friends of friends. I think. They’re all from the same region of Slovenia, Koroška, I think, and more or less vaguely know each other. I’ve met some of them before, including Matic (haha… every time…), who I met at Metal Mania a few weeks previously, but never heard speak.

That day he’d been sat slumped on a camping chair in total silence for several hours, moving only to drink from a bottle of water to his right, or to heave up a mouthful of gooey, biley puke to his left. Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: Metalcamp, , , , , ,