Which side of me will win?

10 jokes that actually were real


Having written a rather well-received piece about thousands of people thinking that a Photoshopped Tweet posted as a joke was actually real, I thought I ought to balance things out by showing how some well-known jokes are actually based on fact. I shall be detailing the jokes, the photographic proof and, mostly importantly, the facts.

WARNING: This actually gets quite a lot more graphic than you might think. It’s worksafe, but it’s graphic. That’s all.
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Slovenian names – what I think of when I hear them


Some would have it that it’s a low-down, cheap, possibly even racist brand of humour that laughs at foreigners for being different. It is. But this blog doesn’t count, okay?

I’m not so much laughing at how funny some Slovene names sound to me as I am helping them to laugh at themselves. And that’s not racist, that’s positively saintly (besides, I have to get all this out of my system – I’m laughing at them on the inside pretty much all the time).

Now, in alphabetical order, here they are… Read the rest of this entry »

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Top 5 stand-up comedians, by a stand-up comedian

I’m occasionally – very occasionally at the moment – a stand-up comedian and one of the things people most often ask me when they find out that I am one is who are my favourites and who are my influences. I love talking about comedy, but I think I’m getting bored of this question, so I’ve decided to just do a blog in answer to it so that from now on I can just give people a link and tell them to fuck off. Read the rest of this entry »

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Czeching for lumps

If you think that title’s bad – and if you do, then you’re right – then you should see all the titles I rejected. You really should. I mean it. And I’m going to write them here so you can:

Czech mate (too prostitutey)
Czeching in (already used it in a Facebook update)
Czeching the oil (Manowar don’t wear oil any more)
Mic Czech (just shit)
Bouncing Czechs (only just thought of that – not bad actually)
Czech your balance (if only I’d fallen over at any point)
Czech disk (…)
Czech Norris (probably a close second place, that one)
Spell Czech (lazy)
Czech train times (it works…)
Czech yourself before you wreck yourself (lame)

I went for ‘Czeching for lumps’ because it brings to mind breasts, testicles and cancer – two out of five of which are among my favourite things, which is a pretty good ratio. Read the rest of this entry »

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Metalcamp 2012: Screaming myself horse

After a long, luxurious, relaxing afternoon at the river, we return to camp to find our enclosure filling out with new arrivals; some of them friends, some of them friends of friends, some of them friends of friends of friends. I think. They’re all from the same region of Slovenia, Koroška, I think, and more or less vaguely know each other. I’ve met some of them before, including Matic (haha… every time…), who I met at Metal Mania a few weeks previously, but never heard speak.

That day he’d been sat slumped on a camping chair in total silence for several hours, moving only to drink from a bottle of water to his right, or to heave up a mouthful of gooey, biley puke to his left. Read the rest of this entry »

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Metalcamp 2012: Pee in my glass

“Hey Gavin, make me famous. Put me in your blog.”
“Hey Gavin, do you have any good stories for your blog yet?”
“Hey Gavin, now can we play The Poo Game?”

I didn’t realise when I wrote a series of Metalcamp 2011 blogs last year what pressure I would be putting myself under when Metalcamp 2012 rolled around. Suddenly I felt like I was on a journalistic assignment. Like I had to seek out the wildest and wackiest stories Metalcamp 2012 had to offer and dutifully report them to the 17 people hardcore enough to have read every single episode of last year’s series.

Yes, that’s how famous Adrian Acton wants to be. He wants at least 17 people to see his name on their screens. 17 people who probably all have his name in the contacts list of their phones. Read the rest of this entry »

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Top 20 weird search terms that brought people to this blog


I’ve been getting a slightly increased amount of search engine traffic lately, especially since I posted that one story that had teenage girls and tits and peeing all in one go. And there comes a time in every blog’s life where you have to take a look at exactly what it is that people have been searching for.

My findings are, as I expected, at once hilarious and depressing. Doing this is like staring deep into the darkest recesses of humanity. Honestly, there are some search terms that ought to get someone arrested. People are fucked up.

But sometimes fucked up people are funny, so let’s laugh at these… Read the rest of this entry »

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I’d like to show you Matic

One of the many reasons I want to stay in Slovenia is that many Slovenes love the British sense of humour and are big fans of classic British comedy, so this is one foreign country where I would probably be able to continue my hobby of performing stand-up comedy, in English.

I haven’t performed here yet, but one thing I do know is that in social situations it is an absolute piece of piss to make these people laugh. Like, hysterically. Half the time I’m not even being remotely funny as far as I’m concerned, but something as simple as the way I phrase something when I’m talking can elicit giggles, chortles and sometimes even guffaws. Read the rest of this entry »

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Jigglin’ titties! Who’d’a thunk of it?

This is going to seem really sordid and pervy and possibly quite sexist, but for the sake of full disclosure, honesty, journalistic integrity and the pursuit of truth, it’s necessary that I hereby describe a pair of breasts belonging to a girl called Katja at some length and in great detail.

Katja wouldn’t let Peter photograph her
tits, so here’s an inferior stand-in.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Lunacy has found me, cannot find the ‘Bakery’

My last blog entry might have seemed a little bit downbeat, in a way. It was all about stuff that went wrong or, more to the point, stuff I’d done wrong. But don’t worry, everything’s all right. I just did so much stupid stuff it seemed worth cataloguing in one fell swoop. To redress the balance, I shall tell tale of what I got up to on Friday, the day after I arrived in Slovenia. It’s all very upbeat, I assure you.

I wanted to come here well in advance of the course to give myself some settling in time, but I specifically chose to come before the 22nd June so that I could see Skindred play in Maribor, Slovenia’s second city, about 100 miles to the east of Ljubljana. Read the rest of this entry »

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