Which side of me will win?

10 jokes that actually were real


Having written a rather well-received piece about thousands of people thinking that a Photoshopped Tweet posted as a joke was actually real, I thought I ought to balance things out by showing how some well-known jokes are actually based on fact. I shall be detailing the jokes, the photographic proof and, mostly importantly, the facts.

WARNING: This actually gets quite a lot more graphic than you might think. It’s worksafe, but it’s graphic. That’s all.
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Top 5 stand-up comedians, by a stand-up comedian

I’m occasionally – very occasionally at the moment – a stand-up comedian and one of the things people most often ask me when they find out that I am one is who are my favourites and who are my influences. I love talking about comedy, but I think I’m getting bored of this question, so I’ve decided to just do a blog in answer to it so that from now on I can just give people a link and tell them to fuck off. Read the rest of this entry »

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Metalcamp 2011: Captain Canada

If you’ve been following this blog from the start, then you might be wondering if we ever found Nick on Monday night. Well, we did. Although it was getting light by that point, so maybe it was Tuesday morning. We were heading back to camp from the beach bar at about 4 a.m. when who should we come across walking in dazed circles near the arena entrance, but Captain Canada himself.

Nick goes by the name of Captain Canada because he wears a Canadian flag, with a cannabis leaf instead of a maple leaf, as a cape at all times when he is at a festival. He does this so as not to be mistaken for an American because someone told him that Europeans hate Americans. Sometimes he wears nothing else. I mean, really. Another of Nick’s nicknames is Naked Nick (how’s that for a tongue twister?). I’m actually told that he’s been banned from the Irish Camp already because he turned up there naked and refused to stop being there and being naked until the point Joe Damnation threatened to punch him. Read the rest of this entry »

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Three years today

I slept long and hard this morning, having been out late last night, finally emerging from beneath my little safe haven of duvet and pillows just before 1. I got dressed and headed out pretty much straight away. I walked to Lansdowne, running the last little bit as I’d timed it a little too finely, and got on a number 50 ‘Purbeck Breezer’ bus. I went upstairs and sat in the open-top section, enjoying the breeze along with some Black Sabbath.

During my bus journey I was able to use my elevated position to spy on people I know without them realising it. Yeah, I know exactly what both Jimbo and Katie got up to this afternoon. Jimbo was standing around near a bus stop in Gervis Place and talking to a bloke in a hat and a T-shirt. Then later on, Katie was walking through Westbourne with some friends. Don’t any of you go thinking your secrets are safe from me when I’m on the Purbeck Breezer.

I only mentioned this so that I can now tag those two when I post this on Facebook in the vain hope that they’ll read this blog  just to make sure I’m not slagging them off. Which I’m not, and I wouldn’t. They’re both lovely. Read the rest of this entry »

Filed under: My boring funny day, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The cat came back

I remember this morning being a particularly sweary one. I’m not a good sleeper and not a good waker-upper either, so I need not one, not two, but three separate devices with alarms to get me out of bed in the morning. The downside of this is that they keep going off even after I am up and out of bed, so I have to keep returning to my bedroom to swear them into silence. I distinctly remember telling my phone to fuck off this morning. It’s a proper little mouthy cunt, I tell you.

The cat came back. That should really be one of the cats came back, as there are two. This time last year, and throughout last summer, I enjoyed regular visits from two of my feline neighbours. Usually just one at a time. On the one occasion they were both in here at once, things turned a bit nasty. I don’t know which one came in this morning, as it was too dark to see, but I’m guessing it was Battle Cat, the larger of the two. I called them Battle Cat and Cringer because, not seeing them in the same place at the same time for so long, I suspected they were the same cat, with the larger being a super, magic version of the other. Anyway, I look forward to further visits, although I hope there’s no more fighting. And I hope Cringer has learned his lesson after the time he refused to leave when I went to work, then pissed his little cat-pants during the 9 hours he was locked in the flat. Read the rest of this entry »

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The Drums Of Doom still beat in my heart

This morning I woke up, eventually got up, then had some food and went for a long walk along the beach in glorious sunshine. Then I went to Sainsbury’s, where nothing funny happened. But fuck all that today. Fuck it. This post will be neither boring nor funny. Read the rest of this entry »

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